Archive for November, 2007

Another wedding

Posted November 25, 2007 * Comments(5)

Well I found out last Tuesday that I am in another wedding and I am the maid of honor in my step cousins wedding which is a month before the other cousins wedding. Oh I need to get going. Last December when I said I was going to work on losing weight I was 20 pounds less then what I am now. How the Hell did that happen. I know I sit and home and don’t do a lot cause I don’t have a job.. I don’t have a job because I would have to find day care for all 3 girls unless I could find a job were I work from 9 am till 3 pm Monday - Friday when the older two girls are in school.  Can’t work weekends cause that is when the bf works most of his hours then I would have to do day care for all 3 and that is expensive!! Anyways better get the laundry changed over!!

Sex toy party went well

Posted November 19, 2007 * Comments(6)

I had about 16 people in my small place and all went well. Lots of fun and I got lots of new FREE stuff to try out. Then 6 or us went out and we had lots of fun. It was almost like a school reunion cause we met up with a lot of people that I haven’t seen since 2000 whenI graduated. Yes during the weekend I fell off of the life change but I am back on it today. Hope everyone is doing well and have a good Turkey day this week!!!

~Ashley~

Women vs. men

Posted November 19, 2007 * Comments(1)

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with
the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our team-mate
without ever touching her rear end
9. We never have to reach down every so often
to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without
having to picture them naked
12. We will never regret piercing our ears
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
14. We can make a comments about how silly men are in their presence
because they aren’t listening anyway.

Sex toy party tomorrow

Posted November 16, 2007 * Comments(6)

Well it is now the time for all women to have some fun! Yep that is right I am having a sex toy party!! They are so much fun. I have held one before and been to 3 others. I have my bathroom cleaned(I even scrubbed behind the john). I have been dusting and I hate to dust because then I spend the next week with a drippy nose and itchy eyes. I made jello shots and the girls I have coming plan on lots of drinking. Now on to some really good news the shirt that I am wearing I bought it in July and it fit fine then I tried it on about a month ago and it was to small around my butt ouch that sucked but then yesterday I tried it on and it fits YES!!!!

Okay and on another note I would like some advice on this.

My younger cousin I think she is 21. She has been married know shince April and has a little girl that is about 15 months and her husband cheated on her again 2 weeks ago. He has cheated on her now about 4 times and also gave her herpese(SP). She has taken him back really she never left him the night she found out she acted like nothing happened and I want to just smack her. He is a jacka## to her and she has no selfesteem she hates herself and has let herself go. If it were me in her place I would kick him out and tell him have a good life. (Hey I did that with my ex but he didn’t give me herpese and cheated once.) Her sister has told her it is okay to get a divorce and it will hurt for awhile but it does get better and there is a better guy out there for her.She also needs to work on loving herself and take care of herself. I don’t know what would you do if you were in her shoes.

~Ashley~

California here I come

Posted November 11, 2007 * Comments(6)

Well just found out today that we are going to CA again in March to visit BF G’ma and I can’t wait. The girls can’t wait either they are haiving Santa bring them $ to pay for tickets. When we went in March 2007  and had SO much FUN. So that in mind I need to drop as much as I can by then. When we went in March I was 10 pounds lighter I would like to be at least 30 pounds lighter this time. Oh by then way the bf caved in with the  no sex until 10 pounds are lost. HA HA HA I may have had a part in him caving in but hey a girls got to do what a girls got to do to get what she wants!!

Just some funny ha ha’s for you!!

Posted November 7, 2007 * Comments(1)
  • An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The husband replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
  • THESE ARE ON WWW.PRUNEVILL.COM  MY G’PA FOUND THEM(YES HE CAN BE A DIRTY OLD MAN,BUT AREN’T MOST)
  • Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. He came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
  • The Cat in the Hat on aging:
    I cannot see, I cannot pee.
    I cannot chew, I cannot screw.
    Oh, my God, what can I do?
    My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks.
    No sense of smell, I look like hell.
    My mood is bad–can you tell?
    My body’s drooping, have trouble pooping.
    The golden years have come at last.
    The golden years can kiss my ass!
  • A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a news stand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonald’s for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29″. “I’m actually 47.” Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I’m 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.” As there was no one around, the man thinks, what the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.” Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonald’s.”
  • The local senior citizen care center has begun giving Viagra to the old men each night. It seems it keeps them from rolling out of bed.
  • An older lady was lonely and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely, too. Buy me, and you won’t be sorry.” The old lady figured what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, and you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into? The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead!)
  • Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma. Ma said, “What was that for?” Pa said, “For 40 years of bad sex!” Ma said, “Oh,” and continued rocking. Then Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said, “What was that for?” Ma said, “For knowing the difference!”
  • Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, Mildred took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart was located. “On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.” Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
  • An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?” The man answered, “Just a few, but cut each one into four pieces.” The doctor said, “That won’t do you any good.” The elderly gentleman said, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex anymore, as I’m over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”
  • A little old lady sat down at the luncheonette counter and ordered a hamburger. The huge, sweaty guy behind the counter bellowed, “One burger!” Then he grabbed a hunk of chopped meat, stuffed it into his bare armpit, pumped his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tossed it onto the grill. The old lady said, “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!” The cashier said, “Really? You should be here in the morning when he makes the donuts!”
  • A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. The man looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked. The woman paused and then said, “Unbutton your shirt.” The man opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair. The woman said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” as she processed his Social Security application. When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants–you might have qualified for disability, too.”
  • Mr. Smith, an old man, resided in a nursing home. One day, he went into the nurses’ office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis had died. Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and somewhat senile, decided to play along with him. “It did? I’m sorry to hear that,” she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking up and down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, “Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died.” “It did,” he said. “Today is the viewing.”
  • A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.” “Yeah,” she replied, “50 years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds!” “Well…” his wife snickered, “What do you say … should we get naked?” The old man nodded, and the two of them took all their clothes off and sat back down at the table. “You know, honey,” the old lady whispered breathlessly, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied her husband. “One’s in your coffee and the other’s in your oatmeal!”
  • A general store owner hired a young female clerk who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day, a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk, and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread, please,” the man said politely. The female clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descended the ladder, he mused that he really should get two loaves, as he was having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male patron was asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips, she became tired and irritated and began thinking that she would have to try this bread for herself! Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking it might save her a trip, she yelled at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin, too?” “No,” croaked the old man, “But it’s startin’ to quiver.”
  • The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to the left, so again, the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon, she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?” Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”
  • Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed in the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding down one of the corridors when a door opened and Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. “Stop!” he said in a firm voice, “Have you got a license for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. “OK,” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Willard popped out in front of her. “Stop!” he said, “Where’s your proof of insurance?” Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Willard nodded and said, “Carry on, ma’am.” As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Mad Malcolm stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. “Oh, no!” said Ethel, “Not the breathalyzer again!”

    • Last nights date!!!

    Posted November 4, 2007 * Comments(6)

    Well the date went good last night! Went out to dinner at Carlos O’Kellys(Mexican) and ran into a girl from School that I haven’t seen in 8 years(since school). She was with some girls that we went to school with that I see alot. Did pretty good with my eating didn’t go overboard. Then to top off our date we went to Wal Mart to get milk for the girls. Not really a date but it was nice.

    For sure no baby

    Posted November 3, 2007 * Comments(4)

    Well for sure no baby!!! So the bf and I have set up a contest and we have to help each other out cause we both benifit from it. No sex till we both lose 10 pounds. So we started today I am reeady I just do’t know if he is. Well I need to go get laundry folded and dishes done up and a little general pick up. Bf’s parents are coming over tomorrow!!

    Hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend!!

    ~Ashley~